This article was originally published on WackoJaco
It can be incredibly stressful for both animals and their owners to take a trip to the vet. So to brighten everyone's days, the Carroll County Veterinary posts funny signs outside its Maryland clinic. But furry friends and their human companions aren't the only ones who enjoy these. From life advice to deep philosophical questions, the health center's messages are relatable and enjoyed by pretty much anyone who drives by them. So whether you have a dog, cat, hamster, or none of the above, these signs are sure to raise a chuckle.
If A Tree Falls In The Forest...
An old philosophical thought experiment famously asks, "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" Well, the Carroll County Veterinary Clinic finally has an answer to this tricky, profound question! It turns out that even if the tree is 500 miles from the nearest human civilization, some will be around to hear it: a chihuahua. And that chihuahua will excitedly bark at the non-existent thought tree.
This raises another rather peculiarly profound question: if a chihuahua barks and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Polly Want a Cracker?
Here's a concept we've never even considered. Some day, a long time ago, someone was the first human ever to hear a parrot talk. Can you imagine their confusion? Worse than not being okay for several days, they must have thought they'd spent too long in the jungle and were going insane. Of course, we can't tell you exactly when it happened, but what we can tell you is this fun fact.
The first recorded instance of a talking parrot dates to the fifth century B.C. in Greece. The Greek historian, Ctesias of Cnidus, wrote about a talking Plum-headed parakeet called Bittacus.
A 3-Letter Word Never Meant so Much
Every dog owner knows this short statement to be true. From young kids and little old ladies to hardened macho men, we're all big softies when it comes to our fur balls. And the sign is 100% right when it says 'dog' is too short a word to sum up the love we all feel for these loyal, loving creatures which take up so much room in our hearts.
One other thing that takes up so much room in people's hearts is religion. And, of course, DOG is GOD spelled backward. Just saying.
Gordon Ramsey's Veterinary Nightmare
With flailing claws and oodles of spittle, every pet owner knows that getting your dogs and cats to swallow their medicine can be a nightmare. But this vet knows that the sometimes traumatic ordeal can turn into an episode of Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares. Every time you hide a pill in their food, they turn from a gourmand who'll devour whole, live chickens into a fine dining connoisseur or food critic!
We just hope your dog doesn't come out of this vet clinic with Gordon Ramsey's temper. If they place your head between two pieces of bread and call you an idiot sandwich, you'll know what's gone wrong.
That's Why We Always End up at McDonald's Instead of the Gym
Now we're back on track with a good, old-fashioned malapropism. "What's a malapropism?" We hear you cry. A malapropism is when someone uses an incorrect but (usually) similar-sounding word. They are named after Mrs. Malaprop from Richard Brinsley Sheridan's 1775 play The Rivals, but everyone from Shakespeare to The Three Stooges has used malapropisms for comic effect over the centuries. Lord Byron was the first to use the term malapropism in 1814.
"It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike" might be the most relatable quote so far.
What Would Our Doorbells Sound Like if They Did?
Pop quiz. Who invented the electric doorbell? Before you suggest Alexander Graham Doorbell - no, he invented the telephone. It was, in fact, Joseph Henry, and it's safe to say he didn't have dogs. Can you believe he invented the electric doorbell as far back as 1831? That means the electric doorbell is almost 200 years old! But how can we be quite so sure that Joseph Henry didn't have dogs?
Well, the answer to that is obvious, furry friends. Everyone knows that dogs weren't invented until 1912.
These Are the Laws of the Universe
While the sign's frame features silhouettes of a cat and a dog at the top, it's clear by now that not all the sign's quotes are about pets. This post takes the form of an answer to one of those deep, philosophical, and seemingly unanswerable questions that life throws up to vex us. As well as turning our white clothes pink, we've all lost socks in the washing machine or dryer, but where on earth do they go?
It turns out they go through some magical black hole portal into another dimension and come back as Tupperware lids that don't fit any of your containers. Of course, they do!
Cats Just Refuse to Be Bossed Around and We Respect That
Studies show that cats can memorize up to 120 commands. Just like humans, they have long and short-term memories, and not only do they know their own names, but they can also understand the names of other pets in their household. So why don't they do as they're told? Well, unlike dogs, cats just don't care! These independent felines are not here to be bossed around, no matter how much food you give them.
So to all cat-owners out there: don't take it too hard if your cat doesn't listen to you; it's nothing personal.
To Bee Or Not To Bee, That Is The Question
Alright, this question about whether bees have a "house swarming party" after moving into a new hive means the dad jokes can officially commence! As well as serving humburgers at house swarming parties, males get down on their bee's knees to ask 'Will you bee mine?'' Then, they honeymoon in Stingapore. If they mind their own buzziness at work, they can save up for a Volkswagen Bee-tle, but if they miss-bee-hive, they might have to catch the buzz at a buzz stop. There, they listen to Sting or may-bee read their favorite book, The Great Gats-Bee!
When they get home from work, bees say, "Hi, honey, I'm home," and after they die, they come back as zom-bees! Did we take it too far?
She Believed She Could, but Her Cat Thought Otherwise
Just like The Little Engine That Could, if you believe in yourself, you can achieve anything - unless a cat is sitting on your lap. In that case, you'll sit for hours on end in front of the fire, listening to the gentle rhythm of their purring, being blissfully content that everything is right with the world. No matter how messed-up things are outside the walls of your home, right now, everything is perfect.
And why should you interrupt this daydream when you and that little, beloved ball of fur curled up in your lap are so delusionally happy?
One Calorie Refund, Please
This post straddles the border between philosophy, joke, and a heartbreaking sob story. While there should definitely be a calorific refund on foods that don't taste as good as you expect, this sign––possibly written after Thanksgiving Weekend or another food-based special occasion––also reveals a pattern behind the staff's thinking. As you scroll through the rest of the posts, you'll perhaps notice a recurring theme. That theme is the team's unending concern with their waistlines! How relatable.
But seriously - wouldn't it be nice if we could get back those wasted calories?
Who's A Good Girl?
One day, the owner of this veterinary clinic said they accidentally used their dog's shampoo. But instead of developing canine superpowers like a sixth sense, seeing ghosts, and not looking guilty after eating sofa cushions, the only noticeable difference was the owner feeling like a good girl. As a result, she received an extra-long walk to the duck pond and an extra-long stick to chase. Who's a good girl?
Other benefits included an extra silky smooth, shiny coat and a baby powder scent. We guess it beats looking like Chewbacca's long-lost cousin and smelling like wet socks!
Home Is Where The Dog Hair Is
According to this sign, home isn't where the heart is or wherever you lay your hat, it's where dog hair sticks to everything apart from the dog! You see, just like us humans, dogs have winter coats and summer coats. But unlike us, they leave most of it on the furniture or all over every piece of clothing you've ever owned. And if you have wooden floors, you'll know precisely how much dogs shed.
In fact, when they shed their winter coats, it sometimes seems as if there's enough hair to make a whole new dog!
Advice For Life and Death
There's lots of advice on what to do if an animal chases you. For example, if a bear chases you, stand your ground. If a mountain lion is pursuing you, wave your arms slowly and speak firmly in a loud voice. Also, never look a gorilla in the eyes. But the Carroll County Veterinary Clinic's advice if a pack of taxidermists is chasing you is not to play dead!
The trick of playing dead is used by possums so often that this trick from the animal world has become known as playing possum. Does this explain why there are so many stuffed possums?
Life's Not Fair
If you're from the countryside, roosters' calls piercing the morning air at some ungodly hour is nature's idea of a fun wake-up call. And while questioning why roosters are the only ones allowed to wake up screaming is a fair thing to do, we feel we must point out the downside of letting everyone start their day off by screaming. Just imagine if all the people in your neighborhood woke up at 4:47 am yelling! Yeah, we rather not.
First, every morning would resemble a slasher horror movie. Second, there's a high probability we'd all end up in court, in jail, or in an asylum. So, in a nutshell, yes, roosters should be the only ones allowed to wake up screaming.
Diamonds Aren't a Girl's Best Friend
The idea that whoever said "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend" never owned a dog is just plain wrong. Marilyn Monroe sang the famous song in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, but she had a whole menagerie of doggos. As a child, she had a black and white dog, Tippy. She later had a Spaniel called Ruffles, a Collie named Muggsie, a Chihuahua named Josepha, and a Basset Hound named Hugo, who she shared with her playwright husband, Arthur Miller.
Frank Sinatra even bought her a white poodle from Natalie Wood's mother. But we understand the sign, and we definitely agree that dogs are a girl's best friend - not diamonds.
2020 in a Nutshell
This is another 2020-related sign because, of course, that was not a very easy year for anyone, pets included! Understandably no one ever wants to get a colonoscopy; the process and surgery itself are invasive! So naturally, it's only fitting to explain the year the Coronavirus took over the planet as something comparable to a colonoscopy prep! Both are famous for not being so great, so this sign is a great way to simply bring lightness and laughter.
Despite the heaviness of a procedure, taking your pet to the vet, or even that horrific year, this sign will live on as a gentle reminder to laugh!
That's One Way To Exercise
The message on this sign might change your life forever. And we've got news: not only does collecting cookies off the floor count as one squat but licking crumbs off of the carpet counts as planking. You can tape a Boston Cream donut to your bike's handlebars or a Snickers bar to your treadmill. If you're feeling adventurous, taping a Black Forest Cake to your dog's backside makes for an energetic walk in the park.
This type of exercise is nothing new; it's just a modern variation of what people have been doing for ages.
We Ditched the Real Baggage for Emotional Baggage
This one-liner is so good; it belongs on stage with a stand-up comedian. "I told my suitcases no vacation this year," it reads. "Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage." We feel you! And get this: the year before posting this funny sign, the vet tried going on vacation with her pet elephant. But he refused to get on the plane because he didn't want to leave his trunk in the hold!
This year, when the suitcases tried to sue their owner for not taking them on vacation, the lawyer refused to take their case!
Don't Speak to Us Until We've Had Our Cup Of Morning Joe
On this day, those funny folk down at Carroll County Veterinary Clinic invented a brand new word. That word is Procaffeinating, which they describe as the tendency not to do anything until you've had your morning coffee. But before you announce 'Surely they mean pre-caffeinating?' their newly invented word seems to be a mix of the words procrastinating and caffeinating. And simply put: this new word is absolutely genius.
If you want to know whether Procaffeinating works, can we let you know tomorrow?
You Only Have One True Long Lost Love
This may have nothing to do with pets and veterinary clinics, but it touches on something very important. Longing for something you once had, is truly a feat only the strongest can overcome. This is precisely why this clinic thought it was important enough to devote a billboard too. So what could possibly be the most meaningful thing to lose? Of course, it's someone's metabolism because who doesn't want to eat whatever they want all the time and not gain any weight?
But hey, maybe animals wish for it too? Who knows what goes through their little fluffy heads?
Don't Be Concerned With Others Impression of You
It's never good to be constantly concerned with others' perceptions of you. You simply cannot live your life for other people! But wait, oh yeah, unless, of course, it's a dog. Then yes, be concerned. Be very concerned because dogs are amazing, and it's always fun if they like you. Especially for those working at a veterinary clinic, it's probably best that the animals take a liking to you anyway!
The saying “the customer is always right” especially applies to the vet clinic business! If the dogs like the vet, then there's no going back to any other clinic!
If You Love Them, Let Them Go... To Sleep
It looks like someone didn't get enough sleep the day before creating this sign. Riffing on "If you love them, let them go," this sign could just as easily read, "If you love them, let them go... to sleep." Maybe their cat didn't let them have a cat nap? So, using the same logic, maybe their kid didn't let them have a kid nap. No, scratch that; it doesn't work.
While letting loved ones nap is advice for life, we do recommend checking on them every once in a while just to make sure they are still in the land of the living!
This chickpea-based gag is straight out of the school of Dad Jokes. Will.i.am and Fergie (and the other Black-Eyed Peas that no one can ever remember the names of) loved eating the yummy Middle Eastern dip, but they never let lead singer Fergie make it because every time she did, her hummus always had lumps in it. Lady lumps. It didn't matter how many times she'd tell them, "You love my lady lumps," they didn't like them one tahini bit.
On a similar note, did you hear the one about the chef who won an award for his chickpea recipe after he died? It was awarded post-hummus.
Do Not Play Dead
This may be niche content, but it's pretty darn funny. How does this clinic come up with these signs day after day? Whoever writes these immediately needs a raise. Either way, just like you could train a puppy to play dead as a cool party trick, you could teach a human! Only it would be sort of weird, especially around a pack of taxidermists whose specialty is dead people. Guess it's best to stick to jokes and not tricks.
Though this may not be the most helpful advice for day-to-day life, because let's face it, are there packs of taxidermists chasing people? Either way, now you're prepared!
Who's The Boss? Not the Human, That's for Sure
If you tell your cat that they are not the boss of you, then they will most definitely disagree. Not just because they know that Tony Danza is the boss but because they know they rule the roost, and there's nothing you can do about it! Yet, it's not just down to their superior attitudes; there is a scientific reason behind why cats believe they are the boss of you.
Cats, you see, believe they are in charge of their food supply. To them, we are nothing more than skin-covered, gibberish-talking, walking can openers.
Getting in Your Daily Exercise
Maybe those working at this veterinary clinic have difficulty motivating themselves to exercise and stick to a routine. So they came up with a great way to stay focused and wanted to share their trick with the rest of the world! If a cookie falls, you must bend over and pick it up. Of course, that's practically like doing a squat, so it's a genius way to get your exercise in!
With this advice, you'll get the best of both worlds, cookies, and squats! The Carroll County Veterinary clinic never fails to provide some motivation, joy, and a laugh on people's faces.
The Early Bird Catches The Worm
Most people are either early birds or night owls, so which are you? Do you bolt awake, full of the joys of spring, ready to tackle anything in this glorious, blessed life? Or do you alight from your bed as the sun goes down and order a pizza so you can spend your life gaming the night away? Well, did you know it's possible to be both an early bird and a night owl?
Yes, folks! If your sleep schedule is messed up enough, you, too, can be both! You may never catch the worm, but you can order worms on your midnight breakfast pizza. Seriously, though, the answer to fixing messed-up circadian rhythms is plenty of early morning sunlight.
Cats Are Like Living Art Until They Do This Little Thing
Anyone who knows cats knows this statement to be true. One minute, cats can be posing like regal statues guarding ancient Egyptian tombs. The next minute, they run around having a 'funny five minutes,' then throw up on your carpet. Sometimes they leave you a furball, sometimes it's a half-digested bird, but whatever they throw up (or bring in from the yard), it's just their way of telling you that they love you!
The trick is as soon as you see your cat salivating, licking its lips, and retching, pick them up and run as fast as you can before plonking them down outside!
We Wonder if Our Health Insurance Covers Him
Back to the one-liners now, and this one is so funny; you better make sure soda doesn't come out of your nose! This gag also forms the basis for two more Dr. Pepper-themed questions. What did Dr. Pepper get his degree in? Fizzyology. And secondly, where did he get his degree? The University of Minnesoda! For those thinking it was the University of Pensacola, Dr. Pepper, the drink is not actually a cola.
Like Coca-Cola and Kentucky Fried Chicken, the drink's ingredients are a closely guarded secret and are stored in not one but two bank vaults in Dallas, Texas.
Why Did The Chicken Buy a Phone? To Get on the New Dating Site
Veterinarian Lynn Wimmer and her staff aren't all about household pets and answering age-old, eternal philosophical questions. They make jokes, too! In this post, they say they started a Tinder-like website for poultry. Maybe they were trying to make a bit of eggs-tra cash on the side. This second job didn't earn them enough money so they could fly the roost, but at least it brightened the day of many passers-by.
This sign actually alerted the attention of the Inland Revenue Service. Tax inspectors turned up at the property and interviewed all employees because they suspected foul play. Get it?!
Plants Have Feelings, Too
Some jokes land, while others miss. As a one-liner, this ends up in the latter pile. But we're here to explain: it's a pun based on the word photosynthesize. And we've just violated the first rule of comedy. If a joke needs explaining, it isn't worth telling in the first place. However, if we're treating it not as a joke but as a scientific question, it's sound. Scientists have discovered plants communicate via their roots by sharing information through underground fungi networks.
Studies have shown that plants have emotions and feel stress when overstimulated. So it's not much of a stretch that plants sympathize with each other. And so concludes today's biology lesson.
Sure, Running Feels Good, but Have You Tried Not Running?
There are two types of people in this world. You either love running, or you hate it. Running hurts your bones, your muscles, and your lungs. Oh, and if you like to run on sidewalks, running hates your knees. How do we know? Well, because if you love sprinting on sidewalks, you won't have any knees left by the time you're in your late forties! Therefore, we completely concur with today's sign and conclude that running hates your knees.
This public service announcement has been brought to you by the We Like Having Knees When We're Old organization.
Jellyfish Are the Ghosts of the Ocean
Sometimes, the shortest phrases are the best. And the five-word idiom "Jellyfish are just wet ghosts" is among our favorites on today's list. While the staff at the clinic are clearly hilarious, it seems they weren't the first to come up with this thought. We're not saying Shakespeare came up with it or anything, but a quick internet search reveals you can even buy T-shirts proclaiming, "Jellyfish are just wet ghosts."
If all things are equal, does this mean that ghosts are just dry jellyfish? Next time you see a ghost, make sure to ask!
How to Know if a Product Is Reliable
There's no arguing with the sentiment on this sign. If it barks or purrs, it is 100% good and reliable. The only notes we have would be to add "if it barks, purrs, meows, neighs, oinks, moos, squeaks, quacks, clucks, bleats, baaas, coos, hoots, hee-haws, chirps, tweets, gobbles, croaks, or whinnies, it is 100% good and reliable. The ones you have to listen out for are roars, growls, hisses, buzzes, and rattles.
Oh, and if you're ever on the African savannah and you hear the laughter of a hyena, run for your life because the joke's on you.
Who's Your Daddy?!
Back to the funnies now. Here's a clever gag all about Dad jokes. Like all women and those under 30 know, it turns out that all men lose the ability to be funny as soon as they become a parent for the first time. Yes, while one of the superpowers new mothers instantly inherit is being able to decipher washing machine instructions, men just lose the ability to be funny!
Do you think the Carroll County Veterinary Clinic team comes up with these jokes themselves, or do they pay a professional comedian to write them?
Proof That Good Exists
With so many bad things happening all around the world, we all need proof that there are still good things out there. According to this sign, dogs are the only evidence we need. Our four-legged friends provide love and companionship, help disabled people, provide therapy, herd sheep, guard homes, sniff out bombs, drugs, and diseases, and even save people from accidents. Oh, and they are officially ten times more loyal than cats.
If you have any doubts that dogs are proof that good exists, just spend a couple of hours going down a dog-based YouTube rabbit hole.
A Legitimate Reason Not to Be Sad
For years, the staff at Carroll County Veterinary Clinic have made locals laugh, but this is the day they officially lost the plot. At first glance, this sentence seems like some kind of fun play on words. But upon further examination, it turns out to be complete and utter gibberish. In fact, it's like a joke a five-year-old kid invents and then repeats incessantly to the bemusement of any adult.
We can only guess the staff wrote this sign before they had their early morning coffee, and their brains hadn't kicked into gear.
"Sorry, Not Sorry," Said Your Cat
This is perhaps the truest of all the clinic's signs. As veterinarians, they should know that cats can't speak English, but even if they could talk, they would never apologize. They share this with humans that have a narcissistic personality disorder. First, they wheedle their way into your home by looking cute, then they lovebomb their way onto your lap with meows, purrs, kneading the dough with their paws, and promises never to leave you.
Then, as soon as they've got their feet under the rug, they act like they own the place, attack your friends, and ultimately leave you for anyone in the neighborhood who will feed them.
One Final, Cheesy Nacho Joke
This final entry tickled us because, well, who doesn't love a cheesy nacho joke? This particular gag from south of the border proves that nachos are just tacos whose lives fell apart. When asked for comment, the poor, broken nachos didn't want to taco 'bout it. Trying to bring the bad dad jokes into the 21st Century, did you know that Mexican millennials get together for a Netflix and Chili?
Like much Mexican food, we'll wrap up with one final bad dad joke. What cheese does not belong to you? Nacho cheese!
We Deserve Workers' Comp for This
According to this sign, this stuntman or stuntwoman performs all their own cunning stunts. Why cunning stunts? Well, in addition to the obvious spoonerism, they willingly admit that all their stunts are entirely accidental. You can almost see them slipping in a puddle of piddle at the clinic, performing a perfect back-flip and landing on their coccyx, before looking up, grinning inanely, and announcing, "Ta-da! I do all my stunts!"
When vets have workplace accidents, do you think they go to the hospital or save money by having their animal-loving colleagues operate on them?
A New Swinger In Town
This next sign says, "If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again." While we love the thought of spinning for hours on a ceiling fan, we have a feeling this would get boring after a while. We mean, how many times can you spin on your ceiling fan and still be entertained by it? Also, how many times can you spin on your ceiling fan without throwing up?
It seems like there are many limits to this habit; sorry to burst their bubble!
It's a Lose-Lose Situation
As you get older, you've got to start taking more care of yourself. But with your health constantly on your mind, new fears creep in, like weighing yourself. Things get so bad that by the time you're 50, you regularly have fever dreams about being weighed in before fighting Tyson Fury in a naked superheavyweight boxing clash! We're not sure taking your temperature is that scary; taking your blood pressure is a much more terrifying prospect!
No, seriously, folks, as you get older, it makes sense to eat healthily, exercise regularly, and have regular health checks at your nearest veterinary clinic!
Better Make That Two Years
It looks like this sign was written in 2020 when the Coronavirus pandemic left the whole world feeling the same way. While we stand by their sentiment, Covid-19 didn't only rob us of one year of our lives; it robbed us of two years. And the worst thing about it was that we aged about ten during those two years. We're blaming all those take-out deliveries and not being allowed outside to exercise.
And because we all aged a decade, most of us find those extra pounds near-impossible to shed.
Always Read The Small Print
Here's another mid-pandemic sign from 2020 asking to see the terms and conditions for the next twelve months before agreeing to another year. But as you'll probably remember, 2021 wasn't much better! Speaking of reading the small print, you know packs of medicine that say "Always read the label"? Have you ever thought, 'I can't always read the label; I've got to do things like cross the road and go to work'?
If you've never thought that, we promise you will from now on! From this day forth, not being able to always read the label will always live in your head rent-free.